I've been thinking about things lately. Not because I am sentimental, but because I have had the timed. One of my friends tried to set me up with a guy recently. And whereas I appreciate the effort, I'm not ready. Not because I am caught up on some emotional rollercoaster over someone else, but because I don't know myself yet.
I realize that that sounds melodramatic. So let me explain. In high school I knew who I was. I was the nice, semi-shy, innocent girl who would do absolutely anything for you and not worry about what I got in return. I was naive. I never said no. I just couldn't. Let's just say there were points in that time where my friends took advantage. And yet I didn't do anything about it. Why would I? I was a good friend and thought that was just how it should be. I wasn't necessarily stupid, but I was uneducated. At least I knew who I was. And I liked me.
Then college happened. I was still under the impression that I didn't change. But I did. I became someone different. Not in a bad way, but in the way everyone does. I grew up. I realized that who I was in high school would never be who I was ever again. With this change came insecurity. Where I never doubted myself before, I constantly did now. I changed in more ways than one and everyone's reaction to those changes effected me. I often told myself that eventually things would level out. And of course they did. Just not when I needed them to. My world was flipped upside down in college. And by my second year I changed yet again. The person I became when I first entered vanished under my new skin. For the better. I stopped caring. About everything. I focused on my school work. I no longer wondered what people were thinking. I didn't want to hear about anything. I wanted to pass unnoticed in a crowd of people. That didn't happen. My new tougher exterior seemed to draw people to me. Everyone wanted something. I dated more in those few months than ever before. I guess it was a testament to how I really was no longer that shy little naive girl. I hurt people. Unintentionally. Nevertheless they got hurt. Not something I would ever want. I realized I had to yet again evaluate my life. This person wasn't me either. So who was I?
People who have never been through these changes, don't understand. They are the ones thinking I'm just being ridiculous. But those few who have actually experienced something literally life changing, would never call me ridiculous. They would sympathize. My life isn't terrible, and I don't want anyone to think I'm complaining. I'm not. Just explaining.
My last year in school I went on sabbatical. Not from life, but from love. You can't fully appreciate someone until you can appreciate yourself. I heard that somewhere. It's truer than any other saying out there. I didn't appreciate myself. Not even close. So I didn't date. I never even looked. If someone liked me, I never saw it. It was a great year. Full of surprises and disappointments. But no one got hurt. Ever. I was still the same tough person from the year before. No bullshit. No stupidity. But nobody hated me. Or at least I never saw it. I told the truth whether you wanted to hear it or not. Even if people don't appreciate that they respect it. Even those who faced the blunt side of me on a regular basis respected me. I found me. Sort of. Still, I wasn't ready to bring someone else into the equation. I like being able to do my own thing. Not having to work around someone else's schedule. Not having to say where I'm going or what I'm doing. No worries. Yes, there are times when having someone is a great thing. But not yet.
So the end of school came and went. I moved to a big city where if you can't find yourself there, you never will. I have a group of excellent people already. We have only known each other for a little over one week. I haven't gone on a date in over a year. I'm not looking. Not yet. The way I figure it is, if I'm not looking, I'll find it. Someone else probably said that once, but it relates. Newton wasn't looking for gravity until it hit him on the head. And look at what his life became. So in regards to my friend trying to set me up. Not until I know who I am. I'm close. I can feel it. I won't settle for the mundane. Why should I? I want the spectacular. The saying "shoot for the stars because even if you miss you'll land among the stars" is a bunch of bull. If I'm shooting for the moon and land among the stars, I failed somewhere and need to try harder.
I could be the sentimentalist and wish for simpler times. Like in high school, when I was certain. But then again. I wasn't the happy me that I am now. Why wish for simple when you can have complicated. Where you never know what the day will bring.
Okay, enough with my inner thoughts. If you made it this far than I'm sure you think I'm crazy. But you know what? I don't care. And I appreciate your loyalty in putting up with such an interesting personality. If you relate, great; if not, than lucky you.
Until next time...
